"The X-Files" (TM) and (C) Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation.
This is an UNOFFICIAL transcript to be used for commentary and criticism purposes ONLY.
6x05 Dreamland 2
Morris: Once upon a time, there was a guy with the improbable name of Fox Mulder. He started out life happily enough, as these things go. He had parents who loved him, a cute kid sister, he had a roof over his head, got all his flu shots, had all his fingers and toes, and aside from being stuck with the name "Fox," which probably taught him how to fight (or not), he pretty much led a normal life. But the worst thing by far--the biggest kick in the slats this kid fox ever got--was what happened to his sister. One day, she just disappeared. Now, Fox buckled down and worked his butt off, graduated top of his class at Oxford, then top of his class at the FBI Academy. None of that hard work made up for his sister, though. It was just a way of putting her out of his mind. Finally, the way I figure it, he went out of his mind, and he's been that way ever since. Fox Mulder pissed away a brilliant career, lost the respect of supervisors and friends, and now lives his life shaking his fist at the sky, and muttering about conspiracies to anyone who will listen. If you ask me, he's one step away from pushing a baby carriage filled with tin cans down the street. But now, all that's going to change.
Mulder [as Morris]: Tell them the truth, you lying son of a bitch! He's not me, Scully! Scully! Scully! He's not me!
Morris [as Mulder]: You hate me now, right? Dana, I'm sorry I narked on you to Kersh, but I ... I was scared you were going to lose your job.
Scully: You did the right thing, Mulder.
Morris [as Mulder]: I did?
Scully: I've been telling you for years you should play more by the book, haven't I?
Morris [as Mulder]: Hey, it's the new me.
Mulder [as Morris]: Hey ... hey, fellas, take ... What about these? Come on, fellas.
Maverick: You ain't going nowhere, mibby. You and me have had our asses officially disappeared. Looks like we're up Fudge Creek.
Mulder [as Morris]: Who are you?
Maverick: Call sign's Maverick. Not like I'm going to be hot-sticking it anytime soon.
Mulder [as Morris]: Are you all right, ma'am?
Maverick: "Ma'am?" Kiss my ass, you desk monkey.
Morris [as Mulder]: No, no, no. Up, up... Whew. I am Tiger Woods. So, what did Kersh say?
Scully: He said that I was willful, insubordinate, and not a team player. And the FBI didn't need agents that weren't team players.
Morris [as Mulder]: What a jerk. Then, what?
Scully: Two-week suspension without pay.
Morris [as Mulder]: You're not serious! Who does he think he is?
Scully: See you in two weeks.
Morris [as Mulder]: Dana? You suppose a home-cooked meal might ease the pain a little? Say, at my place, 8:00? [to himself] Think she likes me, Tiger.
McDonough [as Mrs. Chee]: So there I am, with this wet-behind-the-ears rio flying back seat, and I'm thinking, "hell, man, I'm going to give this cherry the ride of his life." So I'm putting the spurs to her, you know? And I'm doing a little hassling with my wingman, Buzzsaw. Now, buzzsaw...
Mulder [as Morris]: Hey, Maverick, would you mind?
McDonough [as Mrs. Chee]: Hold up. Buzzsaw gets on my zero. He's right on my zero. And when Buzzsaw gets on your zero...
Mulder [as Morris]: Maverick...?
McDonough [as Mrs. Chee]: ...He's like a damn dog tick.
Mulder [as Morris]: Maverick?
McDonough [as Mrs. Chee]: You ain't shaking that son of a gun.
Mulder [as Morris]: Hey, grandma top gun, will you shut the hell up?!
McDonough [as Mrs. Chee]: You're my bitch now, pencil-neck.
MP: General Wegman wants to see you.
Wegman: Son... you got a set on you. I'll say that much.
Smoodge: You had us fooled. Why didn't you tell us what you were doing from the start?
Mulder [as Morris]: Meaning?
Wegman: It's the wrong one. You replaced the flight data recorder. This one's from...
Grodin: A scrapped F-111, sir. It's junk. You gave the FBI the wrong flight data recorder. Why?
Smoodge: Morry, if you were running a scam on the FBI, why didn't you let us in on it?
Mulder [as Morris]: I didn't know if I could trust you. We have a security leak, gentlemen, and for all I knew, it was one of you. That's why I decided I should approach agent Scully alone to find out who her contact is. Unfortunately, her partner, agent Mulder, screwed everything up.
Grodin: So why didn't you tell us all this afterward?
Mulder [as Morris]: I knew that you wouldn't believe it until you figured it out for yourself.
Grodin: So the real flight data recorder is safe?
Mulder [as Morris]: Oh, yeah. Absolutely.
Grodin: And you will bring it back?
Mulder [as Morris]: [laughing] Of course.
Wegman: By god, you do got a set on you. I wish I could say the same about some of your colleagues. About those who proffer rumor and innuendo those who make dangerous accusations.
Grodin: Sir, Morris' behavior seemed to...
Wegman: You can explain yourself to the review panel in Washington. I've already wired them, recommending censure for your actions. You're lucky I didn't throw you in the stockade.
Morris [as Mulder]: A little mood lighting for the bedroom. No bedroom. This guy hasn't been laid in ten years.
Mulder [as Morris]: Hey, Chris. Hey, I like the, uh... the, uh... the nose...
Chris: Ouch. As if.
Mulder [as Morris]: Terry. Buddy. Hey, Terence. Sorry. How's it going?
Terry: Mom says she's taking out a restraining order on you.
Joanne: What are you doing back?
Mulder [as Morris]: Joanne...
Joanne: Your stuff is all outside. Take it and get out.
Mulder [as Morris]: Joanne, listen to me. There's something I gotta tell you.
Joanne: I've heard enough from you for one lifetime, Morris. Go tell it to that tramp of yours, that Scully what's-her-name.
Mulder [as Morris]: Dana Scully, special agent Dana Scully.
Joanne: Special tramp Dana Scully.
Mulder [as Morris]: She's my partner, Joanne.
Joanne: I'm supposed to be your partner.
Mulder [as Morris]: My name is not Morris Fletcher. It's Fox Mulder. Special agent Fox Mulder with the FBI. Dana Scully is my FBI partner. I am not your husband. We are not married. We are complete strangers, and I have a whole other life that I'm desperately trying to get back to.
Joanne: You know, Morris, most men when they have a mid-life crisis, they go out and buy themselves a sports car. They don't run around calling themselves Fox.
Mulder [as Morris]: I want you to look out the window. Will you just look out the window with me for a second? See that car down there? See the two men in it? They're surveilling me. They're spying on me. I don't know if your husband ever told you this, but he has a very dangerous job and those two men in that car, like you, think that I'm him, only they don't trust me. So, one false move and I'm history. Which means that your husband will also be history, because I won't be able to get back and set things the way they're supposed to be. Do you understand what I'm saying to you?
Joanne: Morris, if you don't like the man you've become, I don't blame you one bit. But this flight from reality isn't the answer. Accept who you are. However repulsive that may be.
Morris [as Mulder]: Perfect timing. Welcome.
Scully: Wow. Mulder.
Morris [as Mulder]: You like, huh? Yeah, I thought it was time I stopped living like a frat boy. Come on, and see the rest of the place. Over there.
Scully: I didn't even know you had a bedroom.
Morris [as Mulder]: Oh, yeah. Yeah, gotta have some place to lounge around and read the Sunday New York Times, you know.
Scully: Uh, no, that's okay. Thanks.
Morris [as Mulder]: Seriously, just check it out. Seriously.
Morris [as Mulder]: Uh-oh.
Morris [as Mulder]: Maybe I like to read the New York Times backwards. Do you hate it?
Scully: No, I don't hate it.
Morris [as Mulder]: Well, all right then. Uh, don't go away.
[singing to himself] let's get it on, let's get it on, let's get it on, let's get it on, tonight is the night...
Scully: You know what would really be fun?
Morris [as Mulder]: What? Oh, yeah. Me first?
Scully: You first.
Morris [as Mulder]: First time. Now what?
Scully: You're not Mulder.
Morris [as Mulder]: What? Baby...
Scully: "Baby" me, and you'll be peeing through a catheter. Your name is Morris Fletcher. It was Mulder who was arrested in the desert. He was telling the truth about you. Now, how do we get things back to normal?
Morris [as Mulder]: How should I know? I wouldn't do it, even if I could. You saw my wife. Do you think I wanna go back to that? Two kids who'd probably kill me in my sleep for the insurance money. A $400,000 mortgage on a house that just appraised at $226,000. And my job... Yee-gods. You think being a Man in Black is all voodoo mind control? I can see the paperwork.
Scully: Are you through?
Morris [as Mulder]: As far as I'm concerned, this thing is a gift from heaven. Besides, no one is ever going to believe you, so you might as well just get used to me being here.
Scully: Or, I just shoot you... Baby.
Morris [as Mulder]: I'm telling you, I have no idea how to change things back.
Scully: What about Mulder's source? The man he was supposed to meet in the desert? Do you know how to get in touch with him?
Morris [as Mulder]: I don't know anything about that. Sorry. You're out of luck.
Answering machine: Hello, hello. I'm very busy entertaining a special guest. Leave a message and I'll get back to you.
Man: Agent Mulder, I'm trying you one last time. Are you, or are you not interested in the classified information I have to give you? Please pick up the phone if you're there.
Morris [as Mulder]: Mulder.
Man: Agent Mulder, listen very carefully.
Joanne: Well, I guess we've given the neighbors enough to talk about. For God's sake, Morris. At first you couldn't wait to get away from me, and now you won't leave the house.
Mulder [as Morris]: Where can we go?
Joanne: What do you mean?
Mulder [as Morris]: You're right. We should get out of the house. Go someplace with a lot of people.
Joanne: Someplace with a lot of people? Mm-hmm. In Rachel, Nevada?
Mulder [as Morris]: What do you say?
Scully: All right, let's run through this one more time.
Morris [as Mulder]: I'll go in there alone, just like you told me to. He'll be wearing a blue buffalo bills cap.
Morris [as Mulder]: And if I try and slip out the back door, da-da-da-dee-dee-dee.
Scully: Get going.
Morris [as Mulder]: Can't we start over? You know, do that thing with the handcuffs? Probably not your scene.
Joanne: Are you expecting someone?
Mulder [as Morris]: No, I'm not expecting someone.
Joanne: Because if you're here expecting someone, and not to buy me a drink, tell me now so I can divorce you and take the house.
Mulder [as Morris]: Joanne, have another white wine.
Morris [as Mulder]: You're the guy?!
Wegman: Sit down.
Morris [as Mulder]: Well, I'll be damned.
Mulder [as Morris]: Whoa, ooh, that beer, it went right through me. I got to... I'll be right back.
Morris [as Mulder]: You sabotaged a UFO?
Wegman: Keep your voice down. I didn't intend for it to crash, agent Mulder. I just meant to disable the stealth module, so you could see it.
Mulder [as Morris]: Scully.
Scully: Mulder? Is that really you?
Mulder [as Morris]: What are you doing here?
Scully: I'm trying to figure out a way to help you.
Morris [as Mulder]: What, are you, like, disgruntled?
Wegman: You make me sound like some postal clerk. What you came for is on the floor, by your feet.
Smoodge: Joanne? Hey, how's it going? Listen, have you seen Morry?
Joanne: You bet I've seen him.
Smoodge: Hey, hey, whoa, guys. Guys. What the hell was that, Morry?
Mulder [as Morris]: I guess I make a lousy husband.
Smoodge: I'll talk to her.
Mulder [as Morris]: So you're the guy that wants my life. I assume that includes all the ass-kickings.
Morris [as Mulder]: Oh, no... You don't wanna do this.
Mulder [as Morris]: Yeah, I do.
Morris [as Mulder]: Jeff's outside.
Mulder [as Morris]: So what?
Morris [as Mulder]: If he sees us together, we're both dead. Especially when he sees this.
Mulder [as Morris]: You take that to Scully right now.
Morris [as Mulder]: You must have some sort of waxy buildup. I said Jeff's here. No way am I going out there until he leaves. You sneak it past him. You're his buddy.
Mulder [as Morris]: His buddy? He doesn't trust me, as far as he can throw me. You saw to that.
Wegman: Oh, geez.
Mulder [as Morris]: Hey.
Morris [as Mulder]: Hey.
Smoodge: General Wegman.
Wegman: You men, come with me.
Smoodge: Sir... what are we, uh...?
Wegman: There. Detain that man.
Smoodge: Morris... Stop.
Mulder [as Morris]: Hey, guys.
Smoodge: What's in the bag, Morris?
Mulder [as Morris]: It's, uh... beer.
Wegman: You sure it's not a flight data recorder?
Mulder [as Morris]: No, it's beer.
Morris [as Mulder]: Suckers.
Langly: Mmm. More huevos rancheros.
Frohike: Mas huevos rancheros.
Byers: Por favor.
Scully: Open up.
Frohike: Mulder... if I'd known you were coming, I would have made more salsa.
Scully: We need your help right now.
Langly: Who crashed?
Scully: Who, what, why. I need to know everything that's on that data recorder.
Byers: It's similar in size and shape to the FDRs on the SR-71.
Frohike: Well, that's definitely not standard issue.
Byers: Where did you get this?
Scully: Groomlake. Outside Area 51.
Langly: The Aurora spy plane.
Scully: What's that?
Frohike: Black world. Top, top secret. A skunkworks special.
Byers: Aurora is a hypersonic reconnaissance aircraft fueled with slush-hydrogen.
Langly: Or methylcyclohexane.
Frohike: What's with him?
Morris: You guys like the name? I'm going to go with either "Aurora" or "Borealis."
Frohike: What the hell's he talking about?
Scully: He's not Mulder.
Scully: We think the crash of this particular aircraft--whatever it was--resulted in a, uh...
Morris [as Mulder]: My name is Morris Fletcher. I work inside Area 51. I assumed Mulder's identity through a warp in the space-time continuum. Trust me, little man, I ain't him. Oh, I love you guys. I really do. I mean, you're the Lone Gunman, aren't you? You guys are my heroes. I mean, look at this crap you print.
Byers: We uncover the truth.
Morris [as Mulder]: The truth. Well, see, that's what's so great about you, monkeys. Not only do you believe this horse pucky that we create, you broadcast it as well. I mean, look at this. There is no Saddam Hussein. This guy's name is John Gillnitz. We found him doing dinner theater in Tulsa. Did a mean King and I. Plays good ethnics.
Langly: You're trying to say that Saddam Hussein's a government plant?
Morris [as Mulder]: I'm saying I invented the guy. We set him up in '79. He rattles his saber whenever we need a good distraction. Ah... if you boys only knew how many of your stories I dreamed up while sitting on the pot.
Frohike: What stories?
Morris [as Mulder]: Oh, I'm sorry, Melvin, that's classified.
Frohike: The name's Frohike, you punk ass. What the hell you do with Mulder?
Scully: Shut up, all of you. If you guys want Mulder back, get me these results.
Wegman: Who is it?
Mulder [as Morris]: Morris Fletcher.
Wegman: Come in. We shouldn't be seen together. Not after last night. Fletcher... Mulder... whoever you are.
Mulder [as Morris]: I'm hoping this'll be our last meeting. Agent Scully's flying back with the analysis of that flight data recorder.
Wegman: It'll be too late to save me.
Mulder [as Morris]: I know. The real Morris Fletcher knows you're the leak.
Wegman: Once you get back--if you get back--he'll have me arrested. Disappeared. Even if he doesn't, his colleagues will figure out soon enough I sabotaged that craft.
Mulder [as Morris]: Why'd you do it?
Wegman: I didn't mean for it to crash. I just wanted you to see it.
Mulder [as Morris]: Well, why?
Wegman: There comes a time when you look back instead of forward, see the sum of your life. My entire career has been spent hiding the truth from the American people. Destroying, in a way, that which was most precious to me.
Mulder [as Morris]: What is the truth?
Wegman: You mean... you don't know?
Mulder [as Morris]: Don't know what?
Wegman: The truth--what *is* going on here at Area 51? What are these black-budget projects? We just fly these birds. They don't tell us what makes them go. They engineer them all up in Utah.
Mulder [as Morris]: Well, if you don't know, why'd you call me?
Wegman: Well, I... I've seen your file. You've chased flying saucers for years. Do aliens really exist, agent Mulder?
Frohike: Something's coming up.
Byers: Got it.
Scully: What is it?
Byers: We broke the encryption.
Langly: This baby records the telemetry of 28 systems, including airspeed, fuselage torque and delta-v.
Frohike: Yeah, all the usual readouts, but, uh... what are these?
Byers: Tachyon flux... gravitational displacement.
Frohike: "Aurora," my ass. What have you guys been flying out there?
Scully: All right, I want you guys to analyze that data. Morris...
Morris [as Mulder]: this is one of mine.
Scully: Get your butt in gear. You're going to miss me when I'm gone.
Frohike: Fat chance, laughing boy.
Morris [as Mulder]: Back off, sneezy.
Scully: Enough. Call me when you guys have some answers.
OUTSIDE AREA 51
Dude #1: Far out. The black mailbox.
Dude #2: Dude, that's a white mailbox.
Dude #1: No, they painted it white to hide it. This is *the* black mailbox. The best place to see freedom mountain and the UFOs over Dreamland, man. I know a guy who saw five in one night. He said they danced in the sky. You guys hear that? What the hell? Cool. Did you guys see that?
Mulder [as Morris]: You don't look too happy. Don't tell me I'm gonna have to put two kids through school.
Scully: That *is* you in there, Mulder, isn't it? I, uh... I just got off the phone with Frohike. They were able to download and analyze the crash data and, yes, there was an anomalous event that night.
Mulder [as Morris]: And how do I get back?
Scully: Well, that's just it. It's all about random moments in time, about a series of variables approaching an event horizon. And even if we... could recreate that moment, if we could sabotage another craft... Mulder, if we were... if we were off... if the event were off by even one millisecond...
Mulder [as Morris]: I might wind up with my head in a rock.
Scully: Something like that, yeah.
Mulder [as Morris]: What about him? I mean, me. Whatever. Whoever he is.
Scully: Agent Mulder has become AD Kersh's new golden boy. He's been tasked with returning the flight data recorder that he and I stole. The son of a bitch confesses to Kersh even more than I do to my priest. I'm just tagging along for the ride.
Mulder [as Morris]: What do you mean, "just tagging along"?
Scully: I'm out of the Bureau. I've been censured and relieved of my position.
Mulder [as Morris]: No. You can explain it to them, like you explained it to me. You have the data. You can make them understand. You can get your job back.
Scully: I'd kiss you if you weren't so damn ugly.
Morris [as Mulder]: Take a picture. It'll last longer.
Mulder [as Morris]: If I... shoot him, is that murder or suicide?
Scully: Neither, if I do it first.
Mulder [as Morris]: Hey, Scully...
Dude #1: Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! You gotta help me! You gotta help me! Open the window! Please, open your window! I need to talk to you! Please, I need somebody to help me. It's this thing... it was like, like, like a wave... Like all squiggly and everything... and... and their faces, they, they stuck together! And, and, and her arm--it was coming through his chest!
Dude #2: Sam, man, where you been? Who's the dude?
Dude #1: I swear, man... they were messed up.
Grodin: I believe you.
Morris [as Mulder]: So the motel guy wants cash. Won't take credit card. Do you believe that? So then it hits me--I flash him
my badge: "Fox Mulder, FBI." I tell him we're investigating crappy motels in the Southwest. He'd better watch his behind. So, guess what? The guy gives me the room for free, and he throws in a six-pack of brews to boot. I love this job! Listen, Dana, after we return this flight recorder, what do you say, I have a word with the big man, see if I can get you your job back? We could have lots of fun together, once you got to know me. You know I'd change.
Scully: I've still got my gun.
Morris [as Mulder]: All right, already.
Scully: Wait a second, hold on. Back up.
Morris [as Mulder]: What is it?
Scully: Back up.
Attendant: Can I help you, ma'am?
Scully: I don't understand. This-this place was burnt to the ground.
Attendant: I don't think so.
Scully: Yeah... this place, two nights ago.
Attendant: I think I'd remember that.
McDonough [as Mrs. Chee]: What's going on?
Mulder [as Morris]: What are you doing here?
Scully: I need to talk to you. Something's happened.
Joanne: Morris! Don't forget your stupid chair! You and it should be very happy together! Terence, get back inside. You got a lot of gall coming back here, sister.
Mulder [as Morris]: Joanne, I told you--I'm not your husband. This man is.
Joanne: You come here to watch my family fall apart? You getting some kind of big kick out of that?
Scully: I have to talk to you alone.
Morris [as Mulder]: Careful. You're going to bust a lung.
Joanne: Leave me alone.
Morris [as Mulder]: Joanne... what he said about me being your husband--it's true.
Joanne: Get the hell off my porch.
Morris [as Mulder]: We got married on June 13, 1978. It rained that day. You got mad at me at the reception, 'cos I said I couldn't see the cake behind your fat ass. Remember our first apartment--that dump in Pentagon City? You'd turn the air conditioner on, lights would go out? Or when you were pregnant, how I'd tickle your kneecaps to make you laugh? Remember? Remember the night Chrissy was born? When I held her in my arms, all red-faced and screaming?
Joanne: That was the only time I ever saw you cry. Oh, my god... Morris? Is that you?
Mulder [as Morris]: Come on, Morris. Let's go.
Joanne: What do you mean, go? Where are you taking him?
Scully: Mrs. Fletcher, we have reason to believe that whatever event caused this to happen, may be in the process of reversing.
Mulder [as Morris]: We got to get back to that highway to the exact spot where this all began. It may be our only chance.
Smoodge: Sorry, Morris. A traitor's a traitor.
Mulder [as Morris]: This isn't what it looks like.
MP: Got it!
Smoodge: What are you doing?
Grodin: I'm cleaning up a mess.
Smoodge: What are you talking about?
Grodin: About an hour ago, I put Captain McDonough and Mrs. Chee back where they belong. Now it's their turn.
Mulder [as Morris]: The warp that started this is snapping back like a rubber band.
Scully: Only we have to be in its path when it happens.
Mulder [as Morris]: Why are you doing this?
Grodin: Till now, I had a spotless career record. I want that back.
Smoodge: So this is time snapping back?
Mulder [as Morris]: It'll be like the last few days never happened. You won't remember any of this.
Morris [as Mulder]: Oh. Well, in that case, Dana... it's been real.
Scully: Come on, Mulder. Let's go.
Scully: Mulder, it's me. I just wanted to let you know that we slipped under Kersh's radar. Our little field trip to Nevada went unnoticed.
Mulder: Oh, yeah?
Scully: Mulder, I'm sorry that your confidential source didn't pan out.
Mulder: Well, I guess you were right, Scully. Just another crackpot who watches too much Star Trek.
Scully: Good night.
Mulder: Hey, Scully? I, uh, know it's not your normal life, but... thanks for coming out there with me.
Scully: You're welcome.