"The X-Files" (TM) and (C) Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation.
This is an UNOFFICIAL transcript to be used for commentary and criticism purposes ONLY.
Mulder: Outpost 134. Two miles to go.
Scully: I'm all atingle. So, Mulder, this supposed clandestine source who's contacted you...how do we know that he's not just another crackpot, whose encyclopedic knowledge of extraterrestrial life isn't derived exclusively from reruns of Star Trek?
Mulder: Because of where this particular crackpot works: Groom Lake. Area 51. Where the military has conducted... Scully:...For the past 50 years, classified experiments involving extraterrestrial technology.
Mulder: It's all our questions. The proof that we've suspected but never been able to hold in our hands. That...that proof is here.
Scully: Mulder, it's the dim hope of finding that proof that's kept us in this car, or one very much like it, for more nights than I care to remember. Driving hundreds, if not thousands, of miles through neighborhoods and cities and towns, where people are raising families and buying homes and playing with their kids and their dogs, and...in short, living their lives. While we...we...we just keep driving.
Mulder: What is your point?
Scully: Don't you ever just wanna stop? Get out of the damn car? Settle down and live something approaching a normal life?
Mulder: This *is* a normal life.
Mulder: I don't know if we're going to meet that crackpot, after all.
Man: Out of the car. Out of the car, sir. Ma'am.
Morris: May I see some identification, please? FBI. You're gonna have to turn around and leave immediately.
Mulder: Why? It's a public highway.
Morris: It also borders on a U.S. Government testing ground. What's your business here? What are you doing out here in the middle of the night?
Mulder: What are you doing out here?
Scully: Hiding top secret test flights? Using technology from UFOs?
Morris: Flying saucers. I got a top secret for you. There's no such thing as flying saucers.
Scully: Come on, Mulder, let...Come on, Mulder, let's go.
Mulder: Hey! Hey! Hey!
Man: Sir, open fire?
Mulder: No! No. Let them go. Let them go.
Man: Sir? Your orders, sir?
Mulder [as Morris]: I wanna get out of here.
Grodin: Morris. Morris? What do you think you're doing? Why'd you let them go?
Mulder [as Morris]: They didn't know anything.
Grodin: They were FBI agents, obviously here to meet someone, very possibly an informant. You just sent away our best hope of finding out who.
Smoodge: We can't just disappear a couple of FBI agents, Howard. We'll get their own people to deal with them. That's what Morris was thinking. Right, Morry? Let's go.
Mulder [as Morris]: Yeah?
Man: Your identification, sir. You do have identification?
Mulder [as Morris]: Yeah.
Smoodge: What's Wegman doing here? Kind of late for the old man to be clocking in.
Grodin: Something must be up. I'm going to check it out.
Mulder [as Morris]: Scully.
Scully: Are you all right, Mulder?
Morris [as Mulder]: What are you talking about?
Scully: Well, you haven't said anything since we left those men on the highway. Is something wrong?
Morris [as Mulder]: I'm fine. Gas cap's on your side.
Scully: Okay...if you don't want to talk about it. Mulder? Mulder...
Mulder [as Morris]: Come on, Scully, pick up.
Smoodge: Bastard! Huh?
Scully: Hello? Hello?!
Morris [as Mulder]: Oh, Dana? Wanna pick me up a pack of Morleys, please?
Scully: Since when do you smoke?
Morris [as Mulder]: Well...you're not gonna be a nazi about it, are you?
Smoodge: I ran a reverse trace on all the outgoing calls. We've definitely got a leak. He called the FBI this morning from Wegman's office.
Mulder [as Morris]: Wegman?
Smoodge: The leak! He used the guest phone in Wegman's office. He's rubbing our noses in it.
Mulder [as Morris]: Hmm. In what?
Smoodge: In the fact that he works in this building. That he has access to everything--all our work--and we don't know who he is. Morris?
Mulder [as Morris]: Yeah?
Smoodge: You gonna answer that?
Mulder [as Morris]: Oh. Yeah. Hello?
Joanne: What are you doing there?!
Mulder [as Morris]: I'm just trying to work that out.
Joanne: It's midnight. I've been waiting up.
Mulder [as Morris]: I didn't know.
Joanne: What do you mean, you didn't know? You said you'd call. Morris...
Mulder [as Morris]: I forgot.
Joanne: You always forget. Well, this time, don't forget the milk.
Smoodge: The wife? Come on, man. Let's go home.
Mulder [as Morris]: There it is, huh? Home, sweet home. All right.
Smoodge: Good night.
Mulder [as Morris]: Ciao.
Woman: Base operator.
Mulder [as Morris]: Oh, uh...I, uh...
Woman: Would you like an outside line, Mr. Fletcher?
Mulder [as Morris]: No, thank you. Good night.
Grodin: It was a routine test flight, sir. The craft suddenly lost altitude at 2317 hours, over highway 375.
Wegman: What happened?
Grodin: We haven't yet determined that, sir. We have recovered the flight data recorder as well as the two pilots.
Grodin: We found the copilot over here.
Wegman: My god.
Grodin: The other man's alive, but, uh...
Wegman: But what?
Grodin: We're not sure yet.
Wegman: What happened, captain?
Scully: I'm sure he's on his way. Mulder!
Morris [as Mulder]: Hey...hey, Dana. How's it going?
Scully: Mulder...where have you been?
Morris [as Mulder]: Oh, sorry, I just got a little lost on my way in.
Scully: You got lost.
Morris [as Mulder]: I'm just a little, you know, little lost in my head.
Morris [as Mulder]: Yeah. One of those days. Yeah. Hi, there. How are you this morning?
Kersh's Assistant: The assistant director is waiting, sir.
Morris [as Mulder]: Great. Let's do it.
Kersh: My two frequent fliers. I'm to understand you were in Nevada yesterday and after--what's it been?--two, three conversations such as this on the matter.
Scully: Well, sir...
Kersh: This morning I got a phone call from the Pentagon, demanding that the two of you be reprimanded for trespassing on a top-secret military installation. What do you think you were doing there?
Scully: We were following a lead, sir.
Kersh: And that's part your current caseload? A legitimate investigation?
Morris [as Mulder]: Agent Scully and I were contacted by a confidential source.
Kersh: What source?
Morris [as Mulder]: Oh, if I had the name, I'd give it to you. Some whistle-blower working inside the so-called area 51, said he had some "big deal" information. I gotta tell you...the whole thing turned out to be just one gigantic mistake on our part.
Kersh: Agent Mulder, you were specifically ordered not to pursue any line of investigation pertaining to the X-Files.
Morris [as Mulder]: Sir, you're absolutely right. And, on behalf of agent Scully and myself, I'd like to apologize for our blatant disregard of your direct order. You have our word. We will never, ever, do that again.
Scully: Mulder. Mulder!
Morris [as Mulder]: What?
Scully: What was that about?
Morris [as Mulder]: What was what about?
Scully: "I'd give you his name if I had it"? Whatever happened to protecting our contacts? Protecting our work?
Morris [as Mulder]: He asked. Hang on a second. Well...okay, then. What?
Scully: What is going on with you?
Morris [as Mulder]: Will you please stop trying to pick a fight with me?
Scully: Mulder, you are acting bizarre.
Morris [as Mulder]: Jealous?
Mulder [as Morris]: Scully?
Joanne: I can't believe you. I just can't believe you! And who is Scully?
Mulder [as Morris]: Good morning.
Joanne: You could, at least, do me the courtesy of coming to bed at night. Pretend we have a happy marriage. What if Chris or Terry had come down here first? Seeing their father being a pervert. Did that ever occur to you?
Mulder [as Morris]: Hey, uh...uh...honey? I ne...Have you...Have you seen my car keys? I thought I might have left them...
Chris: Morning, dad.
Mulder [as Morris]: Morning...Terry.
Chris: Oh, my god!
Joanne: Morris...what did you do to Chris?
Mulder [as Morris]: My keys.
Terry: Yo, dad.
Mulder [as Morris]: Good morning, Terry.
Terry: Not Terry.
Mulder [as Morris]: Chris.
Terry: Terrence. "Terry" is for wusses.
Mulder [as Morris]: Oh, and Terrence isn't? Hey, uh, Terrence, how about helping your old dad find his car keys?
Joanne: No milk. I'm taking the minivan.
Mulder [as Morris]: Don't I have my own car?
Joanne: Chris, did you give your father back his car keys?
Mulder [as Morris]: Okay, well, uh...everybody have a, uh...a good day at your various, uh...all right.
Joanne: Morris! What about Chris?
Mulder [as Morris]: Chris?
Chris: You said you'd give me an answer today.
Joanne: Her nose. You said you'd give her an answer about her nose.
Mulder [as Morris]: Um...I think...I think she's a little young for plastic surgery, don't you think?
Joanne: Oh, for god's sake, Morris. A nose ring! She said she wants a nose ring!
Chris: I hate you! I wish you were dead.
Mulder [as Morris]: Well, my work here is done. Have a nice day.
Joanne: You want a divorce, don't you? Just say the words: "Joanne, I want a divorce."
Mulder [as Morris]: Joanne? Joanne, no.
Joanne: I will not live this way, Morris. I will not let you walk in and out of this house like a total stranger. Maybe it's better if you just...
Mulder [as Morris]: Sorry. I'm just not myself lately.
Joanne: Morris...you are wearing your suit from yesterday.
Mulder [as Morris]: Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Johnny Cash.
Joanne: Morris...what are you doing? It's for you.
Mulder [as Morris]: Thanks. Mul...Morris.
Smoodge: Morry, it's Jeff. Where the hell are you?
Mulder [as Morris]: Uh, I'm just running a little late.
Smoodge: Well, get your ass down here tout de suite. We got something big going down.
Mulder [as Morris]: Bigger than what?
Smoodge: Big as in "I can't say anything more on the phone." Just get down here.
Wegman: Do we know what he's saying?
Grodin: It seems he's praying, sir. We've identified the language, a Native American dialect. Hopi, to be exact. The pilot's name is Captain Robert McDonough. Born in Missoula, Montana. No known foreign language skills. Only, since the crash, he claims to be one Mrs. Lana Chee, a 75-year-old Hopi Indian woman born and raised on the Moapa reservation, about 35 miles from here.
Wegman: Is it some kind of shell shock?
Grodin: We don't think so, sir. This is Mrs. Lana Chee. We picked her up on the reservation this morning.
Wegman: At ease. What's your name?
Woman: Captain Robert McDonough, sir. I apologize for my present condition and appearing out of uniform, sir.
Wegman: Um...Do you know...What happened last night, captain?
Woman: Sir, we launched from base at 2300 hours and headed south. At approximately 2315, we lost power in the right rear quadrant.
Wegman: Do you know what, uh...Do you know what caused the power loss?
Woman: No warning lights came up on the panel. All systems checked out in preflight. She just wasn't in the mood to fly, sir.
Morris [as Mulder]: Come on, baby, be the hole.
Morris [as Mulder]: I got a birdie.
Mulder [as Morris]: Oh, thank goodness, Scully, it's me.
Scully: I'm sorry, who is this?
Mulder [as Morris]: It's me, Mulder.
Mulder [as Morris]: I'm sorry I couldn't call sooner. Look, something really weird happened last night when that UFO passed over us.
Mulder [as Morris]: You don't remember? You don't remember. Okay, the man that you're with, that's not me. His name is Morris Fletcher. He's an Area 51 employee.
Scully: Morris Fletcher.
Mulder [as Morris]: That's right. Everybody here seems to think that I'm him, but I'm not. I'm me. I'm Mulder.
Mulder [as Morris]: As long as they think that I'm him, I have access, but I'm going to need your help. What was that?
Scully: Uh...What was what?
Mulder [as Morris]: This may not be a secure line.
Scully: Mulder, uh...Where are you?
Mulder [as Morris]: Better not say. Look, just get out here as soon as you can.
Scully: How can I get in touch with you?
Mulder [as Morris]: You won't. I'll get in touch with you.
Morris [as Mulder]: Who do you suppose that was?
Scully: That wasn't your source? Well, I'll run a trace.
Morris [as Mulder]: Uh...no, no. I think we should notify el jefe ASAP. We don't want our collective asses chewed out all over again.
Scully: Mulder? Are you sure that's the best thing to do?
Morris [as Mulder]: Look, little lady, I think it's time you got your panties on straight. We're federal officers. We go by the book.
Attendant: That'll be $1.89. You get 11 cents change.
Mulder [as Morris]: Keep it.
Attendant: Wow. Maybe I'll just close early.
Smoodge: Turn around, big guy. We've got trouble.
Man: Keep back! We got a spill!
Grodin: Hey, Fletcher! What the hell's he doing? Fletcher, what are you doing?
Mulder [as Morris]: There was a man in here, the attendant.
Smoodge: Holy mother of...
Grodin: It's happened again.
Mulder [as Morris]: What's happened again?
Grodin: Let's get out of here.
Mulder [as Morris]: We got to help this man.
Grodin: We got to help ourselves. Whatever caused this could come back.
Mulder [as Morris]: We can't just leave him here.
Grodin: What the hell's the matter with you?
Grodin: I'm not asking you. I'm telling you. Let's go.
Mulder [as Morris]: This man needs a doctor.
[MP shots the attendant]
Grodin: Not anymore. Burn it.
Man: Clear perimeter, 200 feet! Let's go! All right, everybody, pull back!
Smoodge: Come on, Morry. That guy was dead long before we found him.
Kersh's Assistant: Agent Scully.
Morris [as Mulder]: Just can't get enough, huh?
Scully: It's me.
Morris [as Mulder]: Oh, hey, Dana.
Scully: What do you think you're doing?
Morris [as Mulder]: Oh, you know, just a little lunch break. What's up?
Scully: We got the trace back on the call we received this morning. It came from a gas station pay phone off of highway 375, three miles east of Groom Lake.
Morris [as Mulder]: And?
Scully: And I'm thinking it was your source, although I don't know why he'd try and impersonate you.
Morris [as Mulder]: Maybe so.
Scully: You don't think that we should follow up on this?
Morris [as Mulder]: Are you out of your pretty little mind?
Scully: Am I out of my mind? Mulder, *you* are out of *your* mind! What is up with you?! I'm thinking about having you examined for mental illness or--or drug use or...or maybe a massive head injury! This is an x-file your life's work, your crusade!
Morris [as Mulder]: As I understand it, we're off the x-files.
[to himself] Bitch.
Grodin: This was brought to a local vet. Some kid found this in the desert, ten miles east of the gas station.
Wegman: Show me on the map.
Grodin: Right here.
Wegman: This is where you found the gas station attendant?
Grodin: Yes, sir. We located the pilot at the crash site here and the indian woman right there.
Mulder [as Morris]: What's this?
grodin: That, we believe, is ground zero. Once we analyze the flight data recorder, we hope to confirm it's where the warp began.
Mulder [as Morris]: "Warp"?
Smoodge: Beam me up, Scotty.
grodin: That's a tear in the space-time continuum. An anomaly created by the malfunction of the aircraft, which was operating in gravity pulse mode before it went down.
Wegman: We've been flying these things since '53. I never heard of anything like this.
Mulder [as Morris]: According to quantum physics, it's possible.
grodin: Anti-gravity systems utilize bends in space and time for propulsion. A sudden shift in a craft's trajectory could create the kind of distortion we're witnessing right here, a lizard and a rock existing in the same time and space.
Smoodge: If this is where your so-called warp began we would have all seen it, and the three of us were out on highway 375 at the time, sir, intercepting two FBI agents.
Grodin: The fact that none of us remembers seeing it is evidence that my theory is correct, sir.
Smoodge: And how's that?
Mulder [as Morris]: Lost time.
Grodin: Lost time is a common symptom of close proximity to anti-gravity propulsion systems.
Smoodge: Then how come my head isn't in a rock, or Morris'? That's one question I haven't been able to answer. It is possible we suffered consequences from our exposure that we're not fully aware of.
Mulder [as Morris]: What do we do about it?
Grodin: Well, that's your department--keep it out of the paper, make sure the witnesses disappear.
Mulder [as Morris]: Well, yeah, but I mean, how do we reverse it? How do we get the lizard out of the rock?
Grodin: Who says we can?
Joanne: This is not a marriage. It's a farce.
Mulder [as Morris]: What?
Joanne: You're not attracted to me anymore. I disgust you, don't I?
Mulder [as Morris]: No. No. It's not...it's not that you're disgusting. It--it--it's just that...
Joanne: It's just that you don't want to ever make love to me ever again, that's all. That and you mumble something about Scully in your sleep. Who is Scully, Morris? Is it another woman?
Mulder [as Morris]: Does Scully sound like a woman's name to you?
Joanne: Who is Scully? Tell me.
Mulder [as Morris]: Oh, Joanne, I'm sure I've told you many times in the past that there are things about my work that, unfortunately, I have to keep a secret.
Joanne: Oh, no, buster. That's not gonna fly this time.
Mulder [as Morris]: My point is that there are a lot of things you don't know about me. And...I've just...I've been under a lot of pressure lately. I mean, up is down, black is white. I don't know where I stand anymore. I don't even know...who I am, really, anymore. I just...I know for sure that I am not the man you married. I'm just not, and I'm sorry. I'm truly sorry.
Joanne: Oh, god, Morris. I didn't know. They have that pill now. We can work this out. There's other ways to be intimate.
Mulder [as Morris]: That was the doorbell.
Joanne: We can make this work. Yes?
Scully: Hi. My name is Dana Scully. I'm looking for Morris Fletcher.
Joanne: Morris! You son of a bitch.
Scully: I'm sorry. Uh, Morris Fletcher?
Mulder [as Morris]: Scully, it's me. It's Mulder.
Scully: You're, uh...you're the man from the other night, from area 51?
Scully: You phoned me. Would you mind telling me what this is about?
Mulder [as Morris]: I'm Mulder. I'm really Mulder. I switched bodies, places, identities, with this man, Morris Fletcher, the man that you think is Mulder, but he's not. Of course you don't believe me. Why was I expecting anything different? Alright, your full name is Dana Katherine Scully. Your badge number is...hell, I don't know your badge number. Your mother's name is Margaret. Your brother's name is Bill Jr. He's in the navy and he hates me. Lately, for lunch, you've been having, like, this six-ounce cup of yogurt into which you stir bee pollen, because you're on a bee pollen kick, even though I tell you you're a scientist and you should know better.
Scully: Look...Any of that information could have been gathered by anyone.
Mulder [as Morris]: Even that yogurt thing? That is so you. That is so Scully. Well, it's good to know you haven't changed. That's somewhat comforting.
Scully: Look, I don't know what the point of all of this is.
Mulder [as Morris]: I'll prove it to you.
Scully: No. You won't, but I wouldn't mind if you came clean with me.
Mulder [as Morris]: Scientific proof about what happened to us on that road two nights ago. Fair enough?
Joanne: I am calling the police!
Scully: Good-bye, Mr. Fletcher.
Mulder [as Morris]: I will prove it to you, Scully. Tonight. I'll prove everything. Okay?
Grodin: Howard Grodin.
Morris [as Mulder]: Mr. Grodin, this is special agent Fox Mulder at the Federal Bureau of Investigation. How are you this morning?
Grodin: How did you get this number?
Morris [as Mulder]: Well, frankly, that's what I wanted to talk to you about. Sir, I am obligated to tell you that you have a security leak in your facility. A man with whom you've worked very closely, has contacted this office on several occasions, and offered me access to highly classified information.
Grodin: Would you happen to have a name for this man?
Morris [as Mulder]: Why, yes. Yes, I would.
Kersh: You're in Nevada again.
Scully: Uh...Sir, I...
Kersh: Do not speak, agent. Listen. You partner already apprised me of his conversation with the Air Force, in his fervent desire to save you from making a fatal career mistake. Therefore, you will follow my instructions to the letter.
Scully: Sir, I don't know what agent Mulder might have told you, but I...
Kersh: You will follow my instructions to the letter. Otherwise, don't bother coming back from Nevada.
Attendant: Can I help you?
Mulder [as Morris]: Scully, I got it. I got the proof.
Scully: I'm sorry.
Mulder [as Morris]: Scully? You?
Smoodge: Damn it, Morris.
Mulder [as Morris]: You! You, son of a bitch! You orchestrated this whole thing! He's not me, Scully! Would I do this?! Would I do this?! Scully...! Scully! ??? Scully, he's not me! He's not me! Scully! He's not me!