"The X-Files" (TM) and (C) Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation.
This is an UNOFFICIAL transcript to be used for commentary and criticism purposes ONLY.
4x20 Small Potatoes
TABLERS COMMUNITY HOSPITAL
MARTINSBURG, WEST VIRGINIA
Nurse: We're almost there. How you doing, honey?
Nurse: Just breathe deeply... Just like that. There you go. You're doing great.
Amanda: Yeah. Real great.
Nurse 2: Ma'am? I'll need your full name and social security number.
Amanda: Amanda Nelligan. 545-02-0809.
Nurse 2: And your insurance carrier?
Amanda: Atlantic Mutual.
Nurse 2: Great. Now, is there anyone you need us to contact? The father of the baby?
Amanda: I'm not sure how to get hold of him.
Nurse 2: If you give me his name, I can try.
Amanda: He's not from around here.
Nurse 2: Is he from out of state?
Amanda: Another planet.
Doctor: One more little push, Amanda. You're going to set a speed record here. There's a cute face. Bulb syringe. This is like the Indy 500 here. Here comes the shoulder. Good. Okay, Amanda, that'll do it. Oh.
Nurse 3: Oh. God.
Amanda: What? What is it?
Doctor: It's okay. She's just fine. Perfectly healthy. No problem. Eveything's going to be a-ok. You've got a healthy baby girl.
Doctor: Good lord... Not another one.
Mulder: I admit the photo is a little bit over the top, but uh... What do you think, Scully?
Scully: No, seriously.
Mulder: Children born with vestigial tails don't interest you?
Scully: Caudal appendages. Fetuses have them. The coccyx enlarges to contain the spinal fluid, and then it shrinks as the child develops. Occasionally, it doesn't. It's extremely rare, but it has been known to happen.
Mulder: Five times within the last three months all in a town with a population of less than 15,000 people? I'd say that's a little more than a statistical anomaly.
Scully: So would I. No, Mulder I-I think you're right. I think that something about this definitely warrants investigation--only not by us. I'd say that it's a job for the local health department.
Mulder: I called around. They're already investigating.
Scully: So, uh, so what else about this interests you? Could it be, uh... visitors from space?
Amanda: The doctor said that my baby, she's going to be fine. She... She's really healthy. Once she gets to be a few months old it's just a matter of a snip.
Mulder: That's good to hear.
Scully: Did you experience any unual complications during your pregnancy, Amanda? Did you undergo any kind of fertility treatment?
Amanda: No. I wasn't trying to get pregnant. I guess you could just sort of say I'm a single mom now.
Mulder: When you were admitted you said that the, uh, the baby's father was from another planet. What did you mean by that, exactly?
Amanda: Well, you know, that... he's not from this planet.
Mulder: Were you abducted?
Amanda: Uh? No. No. He... dropped by my apartment one day and one thing sort of led to... another.
Mulder: But the baby's father is an alien?
Amanda: No, I didn't say he was an alien. I said he was from another planet. His name is Luke Skywalker. He's what's known as a Jedi Knight.
Scully: Did he have a light saber?
Amanda: No, he didn't bring it. He did sing his song for me, though.
[theme from Star Wars]
Scully: How many times have you seen Star Wars, Amanda?
Amanda: 368. I should break 400 by memorial day.
Scully: Okay. Thank you.
Amanda: Oh, wait a minute, wait. You know these four other babies that were born around here with tails?
Amanda: There couldn't be any chance... Luke's the father... Is there?
Scully: Okay. All right, I got it. Thank you.
Mulder: Take your best shot, Scully but I think there's more going on here than Luke Skywalker and his light saber.
Scully: I think you're right, Mulder. Are you coming?
REGIONAL HEALTH DEPARTMENT
Doctor: Here are the PCRs we ran for the five children. We've put calls in to the parents. We'll blood test the husbands, hopefully by this afternoon, just to double-check.
Doctor: They'll be none too happy. I have to confess, this answer seems so strangely obvious, I probably wouldn't have even checked for it.
Mulder: What answer?
Scully: You see here, these identical band trait matches, all showing a small loss of a part of chromosome number eight? Each of these five children, born to five different women, all share the same father.
Scully: I should have thought of it sooner. This kind of appendant birth defect is often passed on within a family.
Mulder: Meaning... the father had a tail as well?
Scully: ...though he most likely had it surgically removed somewhere along the way.
Mulder: How would this happen?
Scully: Birds and the bees and the monkey babies, Mulder.
Mulder: Birds do it, bees do it, even educated MDs do it. All five of these women shared the same OB-GYN, didn't they?
Scully: Yeah, he's the only one in town.
Mulder: And four of the five women, the four married women, not including Amanda Nelligan, are on record as receiving insemination therapy as a means of conception.
Scully: So, you're thinking that the doctor might have something to do with it?
Mulder: So much for not putting all your eggs in one basket.
OFFICE OF DR. ALTON PUGH, OB-GYN
Woman: We should find the best lawyer we can because I definitely plan to sue. That's all I'm saying, Fred.
Fred: Baboo, just let me do the talking all right? I'll handle this.
Woman: Tell him we're going to sue.
Man: Oh, you, too, huh?
Man: What the hell did you do?!
Woman: Yeah, Alton.
Woman 2: Yeah, what did you do?!
Alton: I didn't do anything. Now, folks, we're going to figure this out here, I promise. Everybody just relax.
Man: Don't you tell me to relax. What the hell happened to my sperm?
Man 2: Yeah, mine, too.
Woman: Whose did you use?
Man: It's bad enough having a boy with a tail. Then you find out it's not even yours?
Man: For God's sake, Alton, how many of us are there?
Mulder: Uh, I'm special agent Mulder with the Federal Bureau of Investigation. This is agent Scully.
Man: Great. Arrest this son of a bitch.
Man 2: Yeah, arrest this guy.
Scully: Settle down. Nobody's going to be arrested.
Mulder: Yeah, we're just here to find out what's going on.
Man: Alton didn't use my sperm.
Alton: I most certainly did. Each of you women was inseminated with your husband's own sperm and nobody else's.
Scully: Now, why was it necessary to inseminate in these cases?
Alton: It was a sperm motility issue. The intrauterine process that I used has about a 40% chance of success. I was surprised. It seemed to work all four times. Now, the only thing I can think of is...
Alton: Maybe it never worked at all.
Woman: What are you saying, Alton?
Man: Honey bear...
Woman: No, I want to know what he means by that. I haven't been with a man since 1989. I mean, not counting you, honey.
Alton: Look, I'm not accusing anyone of anything. I'm just saying, This latest patient of mine who just gave birth to a baby with a tail--she didn't even undergo insemination, so you folks are blaming the wrong baby doctor.
Mulder: Excuse me. I'm an agent with the Federal Bureau of Investigation. I'd like to ask you a few questions.
Eddie: Uh... Yeah, o-okay.
Mulder: Scully. Check it out.
Woman: Oh, my god. That's him? He's the one?
Scully: Five out of five.
Eddie: You spelled my name wrong. It's Van Blundht with a silent "h." B-l-u-n-d-h-t.
Mulder: Oh, we'll get right on that.
Eddie: Lots of people spell it wrong. It's, like, Dutch, or something. Can I go now?
Scully: No. There's a few things we have to clear up first.
Mulder: Yeah. Like how'd you do it?
Eddie: What do you mean, how'd I do it?
Scully: You're the father of five children. Is that not news to you? Do you have any insight into how five women came to be inseminated with your sperm?
Eddie: You make it sound so romantic.
Mulder: So, you're saying there was romance involved.
Eddie: Why is that so hard to believe? Just 'cause I was born with a tail no woman would want me? Maybe I got personality. You ever think of that?
Scully: You had sex with these women? How is it that none of them have any recollection whatsoever of that happening?
Eddie: Look, I'm not saying anything one way or another. I'm just saying--hypothetically--if some women wanted to have kids, and their husbands weren't capable, and everybody was happy and nobody got hurt, well, hypothetically, where's the crime?
Mulder: Well, if you're waiting for my usual theory as to what's going on, I don't have one.
Scully: I do. On, uh, on behalf of all the women in the world I seriously doubt this has anything to do with consensual sex. I think it involves some form of rohypnol rape.
Mulder: A tranquilizer. I didn't think of that.
Scully: It's been called the date rape drug. High doses of it cause a loosening of inhibitions, memory loss... Now, if Van Blundht was somehow able to slip the drug to these women, especially in conjunction with alcohol...
Mulder: Yeah, but when and where would he have had the opportunity to slip it to them?
Scully: Well, he identified these women through his janitorial job at the medical park. He could have followed them anywhere--to a club, to a bar.
Mulder: Those women don't look like the type that do much solo drinking.
Scully: I think it's enough to keep him in custody while we check it out.
Eddie: You spelled my name wrong. It's B-l-u-n-d-h-t. Silent "h."
Curtis: Address. I strongly suggest you stop eyeballing me and tell me your address.
Eddie: 17 Prospect Parkway. Martinsburg, 25401.
Curtis: All right, Mr. Van Blun-hut, give me your phone number. What the hell?
Eddie: The "h" is silent.
Sheriff: I could swear Curtis clocked out hours ago. He said good night and everything. This morning, I find him shoved underneath a desk.
Scully: Deputy, are you sure you don't remember what happened last night?
Curtis: The guy coldcocked me. Except he wasn't the guy. He was me. My head hurts.
Mulder: I found Van Blundht's clothes in the locker room. He must have walked out wearing the deputy's spare uniform.
Scully: After hitting him over the head.
Mulder: I have a theory, if you want to hear it.
Scully: Van Blundht somehow physically transformed into his captor, then walked out the door leaving no one the wiser?
Mulder: Scully, should we be picking out china patterns, or what?
Scully: Mulder, why can't you just go for the simple answer? With that blow to the head he might have identified Gruff the crime dog as his attacker.
Mulder: What about what the sheriff saw?
Scully: Two men, roughly the same build, the same coloring. The addition of the uniform goes a long way to explain how someone can mistake one man for another at 3:00 in the morning.
Mulder: Conversely, my theory goes a long way to explain how four married women could mistake Van Blundht for their husbands, and how Amanda Nelligan could think he was Luke Skywalker. We've seen something like this before, Scully.
Scully: But what are you saying? That Van Blundht is an alien?
Mulder: Not unless they have trailer parks in space. This is... something different.
SEVENTEEN PROSPECT PARKWAY
Mulder: Hey, Scully, if you could be somebody else for a day, who would it be?
Scully: Hopefully, myself.
Mulder: So boring. I mean, wouldn't you even be tempted to try on somebody else's existence for a day? Live your life as somebody else?
Scully: Looking like someone else, Mulder, and being someone else are completely different things.
Mulder: Well, maybe it's not. I mean, everybody else would treat you would treat you like you were somebody else. I mean, ultimately, maybe it's other people's reactions to us that make us who we are.
Scully: All right, then--Eleanor Roosevelt.
Mulder: It can't be a dead person.
Scully: Why the hell not?
Ed: What are you doing sneaking around my porch?
Scully: We're, uh... We're with the FBI. Is this the home of Edward Van Blundht?
Ed: Yeah, that's me.
Mulder: We're looking for your son, Eddie, Jr.
Ed: Eddie? What did that moron do now?
Ed: Five women? Oh, lord. Anything else?
Scully: Yes. He attacked a sheriff's deputy during his escape from custody.
Ed: Hurt bad?
Scully: Fortunately not.
Ed: Well, thank heavens for that, at least.
Scully: Sir, do you have any idea where your son might be?
Ed: I wish I did. I'm sorry. Haven't seen him for the last two days.
Mulder: Is this... is this you?
Ed: One and the same. Hey, you want to see?
Scully: No. No. No, thank you.
Ed: My son had his removed when he was, uh... just a kid. Kept bugging me and bugging me. Till... till I finally let him do it. There you go. I told him it was a mistake. I said, "son, you ain't much to look at. You ain't no athlete and you sure the hell ain't o Einstein, but at least you got that tail. Otherwise, you're just small potatoes," but he didn't listen.
Mulder: Sir, does your son have any other unique medical conditions? I mean, aside from the tail?
Ed: Mr. Mulder, that boy was born sickly. We used to have this condition down in the south called pellagra.
Mulder: Excuse me, sir, how did you know my name is Mulder?
Ed: She told me it was.
Scully: Mmm, no. Actually, I didn't.
Mulder: It's him!
Mulder: Pretty spry for an old guy, huh?
Scully: Eddie, Jr., not senior.
Mulder: Well, whichever one he is, wouldn't you say he's a man with a secret?
Woman: Honey, what are you doing home so early? Fred? Honey? Fred, is everything okay?
"Fred": Everything's fine.
Woman: What happened to the clothes you were wearing this morning?
"Fred": I-I'll explain later. Just give me a little privacy, okay? Uh... Baboo?
Woman: Okay... Sugar patootie.
Mulder: I'll check upstairs. I'm all right!
Mulder: It's quicklime. Move back over here. Not so spry. You think the fall killed him?
Fred: Baboo, I'm home.
"Fred": Oh, crap.
Fred: I'm home early. What?
Woman: You were just here. You went into the bathroom.
Fred: What? Honey, what do you mean I'm in the bathroom?
Woman: Shh. Come here.
Fred: Someone is in the bathroom.
Man: Agent Mulder?
Woman: Agent Mulder?
"Mulder": It's all clear.
Mulder: So what killed Eddie, the Monkey Man?
Scully: It's difficult to say. The quicklime burned the tissue even as it preserved it, so what killed him is one of two things I haven't figured out yet.
Mulder: What's the other thing?
Scully: That would be this. It's striated muscle tissue.
Mulder: What's unusual about that?
Scully: In and of itself, nothing, but where I found it, however...
Mulder: Where did you find it?
Scully: Everywhere. His entire body. As far as I can tell, this man has a thin stratum of voluntary muscle tissue underpinning the entire dermal layer of his skin. That's not normal. This man's body is quite a scientific specimen, and thankfully it's been preserved intact. In other words, there are 654 muscles in the human body, and this man essentially has 655.
Mulder: Could that somehow be related to his uh... having a tail?
Scully: Possibly. It could be a linked gene birth defect.
Mulder: What would be the purpose of this muscle?
Scully: You got me, Mulder. Maybe none. It appears to be atrophied, although it may look that way as a result of the mummification.
Mulder: Could this be a like father, like son kind of a thing?
Scully: What do you mean?
Mulder: Could Eddie, Jr. Have the same anomalous muscular structure as his dad here?
Scully: Maybe. What are you suggesting?
Mulder: Well, if this musculature underlies the entire skin then maybe it could be utilized to remold the skin's shape and texture. Which go go a long way to explaining why we're looking for a man who can appear to be his own father, or anyone else, for that matter.
Scully: Isn't it much more likely, Mulder, that this man simply has an identical twin?
Mulder: Check that out.
Scully: Where are you going?
Mulder: Something about Van Blundht's MO confuses me. His victims were four married women who wanted to get pregnant...
Sculy: And one single woman who didn't.
Amanda: Come in.
"Mulder": Sorry, Ms. Nelligan. I'm sorry to bother you.
Amanda: No, it's no bother.
"Mulder": I just have a few additional questions I wanted to ask you.
Nurse: Here we go, sweetie. Bye-bye. We'll just come back later.
Amanda: You know, I thought they were letting me stay in the hospital so long because I had really, really great insurance. Turns out, they're just keeping me here because they think I'm sort of crazy. They want to make sure I'm safe to be around my baby.
"Mulder": Free cable. I wanna ask you, do you recognize this man?
Amanda: Oh, yes. Ew! That's Eddie Van Blundht.
"Mulder": What can you tell me about him?
Amanda: Oh, it's... We went out all through High School. Oh, brother...
Amanda: Nothing. He's just sort of a loser. He's one of those guys you look back on, you go "Oh, my god, what was I thinking? *What* was I thinking?"
"Mulder": Well, what specifically made him a loser?
Amanda: I don't know--everything. He had like one million annoying personal habits. You know... Just no sense of romance, no ambition, no direction. I mean, I hear he's like a janitor or something now. And he had this weird family. His dad was in the circus or something. I don't know. He never let me meet him--thank god.
"Mulder": He must have had some good qualities.
Amanda: Yeah, sure, everybody's got a few. Yeah, we had some good times. He really loved Star Wars, so we used to go and see it every weekend. That was nice. He was no Luke, that's for sure. Why do you want to know about Eddie?
"Mulder": That's official FBI business.
"Mulder": I, uh... want to congratulate you on this blessed event.
Amanda: Thank you. May the force be with you.
Mulder: I'm here to see Amanda Nelligan.
Woman: Just down the hall, there.
Amanda: Come in. No, seriously though--why do you want to know about Eddie?
Mulder: What about Eddie?
Amanda: Why were you asking me all those questions about him?
Fred: Agent Mulder, this is Fred Neiman. Is it okay for us to get into our bathroom now?
Mulder: Excuse me, sir?
Fred: Well, I was hoping to get into our bathroom sometime this evening. You said the police were going to come by and dust it for fingerprints, but that was four hours ago.
Fred: We want to help you catch this guy but I'm having a real hard time here. I mean, how exactly do you wind up chasing a suspect into my bathroom?
Woman: Don't forget the suit.
Fred: Yeah, what do you need with my charcoal suit?
Mulder: I'm sorry, Mr. Neiman, I'm gonna have to call you back. Um, I was just here. Where did I go?
Mulder: There was a man. He looked exactly like me. Did you see where he went?
Nurse: Down the hall. Men's locker room.
Mulder: Thank you.
Mulder: Van Blundht.
Mulder: Don't even think about it. Get your hands up. Turn around. Keep them up there. Put your hands down now. If it's not you, I apologize in advance.
Man: What are you doing?
Mulder: Pull your pants up.
Man 2: What? What did I do now?
Mulder: You're the only ones here?
Mulder: I apologize. Only one of you is the man I'm looking for... I hope. I've got to wait for some blood tests to come back and then I'll release the other one. Just sit tight and relax. Keep your clothes on.
[on the phone]
Mulder: Yeah, hey, it's me. I think you should get down to the hospital right away, okay?
Scully: I'm on my way.
Mulder: All right.
Van Blundht: You're a damn good-looking man.
[falls on top of Mulder]
Security guard: I mean, you draw a gun on me. You handcuff me...
"Mulder": I know what I did.
Man: With my own handcuffs. I take issue with that. I have a serious problem with that.
"Mulder": I'm sorry.
Man 2: I still don't understand. Do we look like criminals to you?
Man: Exactly. What the hell was on your mind?
"Mulder": I said I'm sorry.
Scully: What's going on?
"Mulder": Am I done here?
Cop: Yeah. We got his description. Come on, guys.
Scully: What the hell happened?
"Mulder": Van Blundht surprised me. He coldcocked me and then he got away.
Scully: Do you have a lead on him?
"Mulder": No, but local authorities are already on the warpath for going after one of their own. They'll catch him eventually.
Scully: So, what--that's it for us?
"Mulder": I know I dragged you out here, Scully, but I'm beginning to think this whole thing is just a waste of time.
Scully: Now you think there's no x-file here?
"Mulder": No. I think the only thing that's here is small potatoes.
Mulder: Hello? Hello?! Get me out of here!
Mulder: Hello! Hello! I'm down here! Help! Help!
Skinner: Which one of you wrote this?
"Mulder": I did, sir.
Skiner: You spelled "Federal Bureau of Investigation" wrong.
"Mulder": It's a typo.
Skinner: Twice. Agent Scully, what about the body you found? Did you establish a cause of death?
Scully: Yes, sir. The subject, Edward Van Blundht, Sr. died of natural causes. Specifically, heart disease and advanced age.
"Mulder": We think the son hid the father in the attic so he could continue to cash in on the old man's social security checks.
Scully: Most likely.
Skinner: So the son wasn't a murderer.
"Mulder": Oh, no, not at all.
Skinner: But he was a rapist.
Scully: I entered him into the national sex offenders database. The West Virginia state police have a photo and a description and they will coordinate with local authorities. There should be an arrest soon.
"Mulder": That about wraps it up.
"Mulder": So, Scully, what are you doing tonight? Any big plans?
Scully: Well, seeing as how it's Friday I was thinking I could get some work in on that monograph I'm writing for the Penology Review.
Scully: "Diminished Acetylcholine Production in Recidivist Offenders."
Scully: Actually, I might bag that though.
Scully: Yeah. I have to say, Mulder, the anomalous musculature in the corpse we found really has me intrigued. In fact, I think I'm going to go to quantico and have some tissue samples run. I'll see you monday.
"Mulder": Monday morning.
[in Mulder's office]
"Mulder": "Fox"? Brother. Good night! This is where my tax dollars go? Where do I live?
[In Mulder's apartment]
"Mulder": Where the hell do I sleep?
Langly: Mulder? Langly. You got to see this. An online associate of ours--who will remain anonymous--has figured out a way to digitize the Zapruder footage so we can extrapolate a bird's-eye view of Dealey plaza at the moment of the assassination, and you'll never believe where the third shot came from.
Frohike: Tell him about the cheese steaks.
Langly: Oh, yeah. And Frohike, Byers and me are going out for cheese steaks. Are you down for that? Erase once you hear this.
"Mulder": Geeks for friends.
Woman: Hello, marty. It's Chantal. It's been so long since we've spoken. I've been so lonely without your sexy voice to keep me company. Marty, just for you we've lowered our rates to 40 cents a minute--$2.99 for the first minute, all long-distance rates apply. Do give me a call, lover-man. I'll be waiting.
[looking in the mirror]
"Mulder": FBI F... B... I. FBI. You looking at me? There ain't nobody else here. You must be looking at me. You want a piece of this? You're a damn good-looking man.
Scully: Mulder, what's up?
"Mulder": Scully. Is this a bad time?
Scully: No. No, um... Come on in. Who's that for?
"Mulder": Uh... Us.
Scully: Okay. Have a seat.
"Mulder": So, uh, what are you working on?
Scully: More autopsy data. You know, everyone at the lab found Mr. Van Blundht pretty fascinating. We discovered an additional anomaly relating to the hair follicles in his scalp. I can't even begin to guess at the nature of it until we can run it through the transmission electron microscope.
"Mulder": Sounds very interesting.
Scully: Yes, it is. So, seriously, Mulder, what's going on? You okay?
"Mulder": I was just kind of... knocking around and... just thinking... good. We never really, uh... talk much... do we?
Scully: Do you mean, like... really talk? No. No, we don't, Mulder.
"Mulder": Well, what's stopping us?
[a bottle of wine later]
Scully: So there we are, at 2:00 in the morning--me in my moire taffeta dress... And Marcus and whatever the hell it was he was wearing... Thank you very much. It had a, um... A kelly green cummerbund on it. Anyway, so, I know that Marcus is thinking that it's now or never, and I'm thinking...
"Mulder": What are you thinking?
Scully: I'm thinking "what is that siren I hear getting louder?"
"Mulder": No way! Who called the cops?
Scully: No, it wasn't the cops. It was the fire department. My friend Sylvia and her idiot prom date...
Scully: ...had built this campfire that went totally out of control and so we all had to ride back on the, um... what-do-you-call-it... the, um... the pumper truck. Yeah... Marcus was the 12th grade love of my life. I can't believe I'm telling you this.
"Mulder": I don't believe you haven't told me before.
Scully: Now I'm seeing a whole new side of you, Mulder.
"Mulder": Is that a good thing?
Scully: I like it.
"Mulder": You ever wish things were different?
Scully: What do you mean?
"Mulder": The person you wanted to be when you grew up when you were in high school--how far off from that did you end up?
Scully: Careerwise, miles off target.
"Mulder": Uh, not just that, but... you ever wish... that you could go back and do it all differently?
Scully: Do you?
["Mulder" makes his move. Mulder comes in.]
Eddie: Thanks for coming.
Mulder: What's with the hat?
Eddie: Oh, this? My court-appointed therapist makes me wear it. She says it's meant to bolster my self-esteem.
Mulder: Does it?
Eddie: Not really. The other inmates just beat me up and take it from me, which would be okay, except every week she brings me a new hat. Plus, they keep me on some kind of... muscle relaxant, so I... I can't make faces the way I used to. Did you tell them to do that? Is, uh... Is agent Scully here?
Mulder: What did you want to talk to me about, Eddie?
Eddie: I just think it's funny. I was born a loser, but you're one by choice.
Mulder: On what do you base that astute assessment?
Eddie: Experience. You should live a little. Treat yourself. God knows I would... if I were you.
Guard: Good day, sir.
Scully: I don't imagine you need to be told this, Mulder, but you're not a loser.
Mulder: Yeah, but I'm no Eddie Van Blundht either... am I?